Sunday, July 11, 2010

The world of arguing moms. Why do we do it???

By Jennifer (Double Duty Mommy) at 1:43 AM
This is something that has been bothering me for a... a long while now. I'm sure you can go to someone's blog RIGHT NOW or read someone's twitter timeline and see something about what they think is best for baby and it somehow always sparks arguments.
I even, have received criticism on my different decisions. People thinking they know my life, my past life decisions with my 1st daughter and what they think I'll do with Baby K.
Why can't we all just get along and support moms and dads to do what's best for their family and just take care of their kids the way they want to?

Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding?
Yes, there are many proven benefits to breastfeeding, but there are many reasons why breastfeeding may not work for someone. It isn't a LAW that a women has to breastfeed so why does another mother feel the need to open her mouth and talk badly about a mom if she CHOOSES not to breastfeed? Isn't it her choice? Just because yes, her breasts were made for feeding a child doesn't mean she HAS to, does it? I don't think so. I think she, and her boyfriend/husband, have the right to do whatever works best for them. If someone wants to feed their baby formula then go right ahead, it's your life! FF your baby up, who am I to judge?! Or BF! But I'm sorry just because you BF does NOT make you a better mother then the mother that has made the choice to FF.
With my first daughter we tried to latch for days without any success because I have inverted/flat nipples. I pumped for as long as I could, which ended up being only 4-5months and even near the end I had to supplement with formula. Did I think I was a horrible mother and killing my daughter by giving her formula..? Ummm no, not at all. I knew I was doing all I could for Makenna and if I wasn't producing the milk, then I wasn't producing the milk, end of story. We got a good solid 4 months of breastfeeding (yes I still consider myself a breastfeeding mom even though I pumped!) in and I'm proud of that 100%. I am whole heartedly going to give breastfeeding another shot with Baby K. I'm hoping she can latch but if not I have my new Simplisse pump (Giveaway prize from BabyDickey.com!) that I am excited to use regardless. John of course wants to feed his daughter and although my breast were made for feeding our daughter I am still going to pump because I want to give my husband the joy of feeding his daughter as well. I personally think it sounds so selfish when moms brag about being the only one who can feed their child.
Bottom line: I'm in favor of feeding your babies.

Crib vs. Co-sleeping?
I pretty much was forced to co-sleep with my 1st. I didn't get a crib until she was about 4months old.
I hated having to share a bed with her. I was scared every single night because I know I move around a lot and I was so afraid of rolling over on her. Another worry, She started rolling EXTREMELY early so it & I didn't want her to roll over and fall on the floor.
Did I ever squish her, nope, but she did roll off the bed a couple times and it broke my heart and I cried many times.
Once I got a crib the transition was very easy for us, she never had a problem sleeping in her own crib and I of course slept a lot better knowing she was safe. The crib was in my room so night feedings were still pretty easy in a sense... although I'm sure I don't remember getting outta bed to feed her most of the time, lol.
Some babies sleep better in their own bed, other babies sleep better with mom right next to them to cuddle or comfort, or nurse as needed through-out the night.
Some moms sleep better knowing baby is right next to them for whatever reason, just for comfort or for easy nursing in the middle of the night, or you might just feel better knowing your baby is in the same room as you.
Seriously though, as long as you are being safe about your decision, I think the only thing that is really important is creating a space where everyone can sleep soundly.
Why are you better then me because you co-sleep? I personally think your crazy for co-sleeping but would I ever say that to your face or start a discussion on it? No, 'cause it's not my business! I'm glad it works for you but it does not work for me and John does not want us to do it either.
Bottom line: I'm for everyone getting as much sleep as they can.

Disposable vs. Cloth Diapers?
Personally, I think cloth diapers are disgusting and I would never EVER try it. The thought of it grosses me and John out to death. Is that a reason to crucify me? Uh, I don't think so.
-Disposable diapers are convenient and easy to use. They are also very expensive & of course, one of the most frequently seen items in landfills. They've also come a long way though and are more biodegradable then what they used to be.
-Cloth diapers are cheaper in the long run, environmentally friendly & I guess they can be cute... although I think the "fluffy butt" thing is NOT cute. It's too bulky looking for me... again, that's MY OPINION. Cloth Diapers are also messier, stinkier & have to be washed, and there is even special soap that you should buy and the soaking, etc.
Of course there are pros & cons to both. But is it really worth an argument? Again, who I am to say which pros are better or which cons are worse. We all have our own families and we should have the right to diaper our kids the way we want without hearing how horrible it is that we fill up the landfills, or waste money on special soap or spend $25 on ONE diaper.
Bottom line: I'm in favor of doing what works for your family!

Natural birth vs. Medicated birth?
Look at it anyway you want but whatever way you wanna spin it, labor and delivery is extremely hard!
Women, like me, think the benefits of being comfortable with an epidural far outweigh any part of an unmedicated birth. Other women, think natural labor is a much better option because the experience, the benefits of it all and they think it's the safer way to go.
The thing is, with all the hormones we are experiencing, and the extreme pain - I think it's extremely important that we support mothers no matter what method they use. We should help women feel comfortable, empowered and confident in something that I feel is one of the most difficult thing we do as women. Who are you to argue with another mom (or mom-to-be) about her decisions or what she is going to do in the near future.
I think you shoving your opinions about the situation in her face pretty much means you think that you know better what is best for her and her body. If I see another tweet about someone defending natural birth when someone else says they think they are going to get an epidural, I am going to have to open my mouth tell say, "shut the hell up!". I don't think anyone has the right to try to convince someone else what they should do in that most intimate time. I'm not saying don't give advice or ask the mom-to-be if she has looked into the "cons" of an epidural but then drop it after she says she has and still wants an epidural.
With my first daughter I INSTANTLY knew I was going to get an epidural the second I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't even thinking about labor without medication. Am I a bad mom? Um no. Am I a weak mom/women? Hell no! I did what was best for me.
This pregnancy... I want to TRY to go as long as I can without meds but I will be asking for an epidural the second I can't stand it anymore and I will not think twice about it and John doesn't give a crap either way. He has voiced many times that he just wants me to be happy and comfortable. My labor and delivery should be about me being comfortable and enjoying the fact that my baby daughter is about to come into this crazy world, so if an epidural helps me then I will do it since it's MY choice.
Bottom line: I'm in favor of mom's comfort in labor.

So, seriously, why do we always have to have arguments? Does it make you feel better for telling me that I should try cloth diapers since the Huggies I choose to use are killing the earth? I'm sorry but there are much bigger things going on in the world and much bigger things killing this earth then my daughter's Huggies.
I sincerely believe that we as moms should be encouraging one another, we should be helping each other, defending each other, not attacking one another for the choices we are making. I believe if you choose a method that I don't agree with because it's better for you, your baby and family then go for it. It's the right we have as moms - to choose. Who am I to say that my methods are better for you, and visa-versa.

I'm not trying to sound judgmental or anything because like I said, I don't care how you parent, if you cloth diaper, if you co-sleep, if you have a natural birth, etc. I just wanted to state my opinion on the key situations as well. If other people can do it in [what I think is] a hurtful manner then I can voice my opinions in my post because I'm not directly attacking anyone.
I'm just saying what I do and do not do when it comes to parenting my kid(s).
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14 commented:

Gina on July 11, 2010 at 7:41 AM said...

I will never understand why these debates rage on - are you feeding your child? Keeping them safe and warm? Teaching them and nurturing them? Are you you loving them? GREAT! That's all they need - who cares how it's done!!

Great post.

Sabrina on July 11, 2010 at 8:43 AM said...

Thank you thank you thank you about the epi! I was the same way! With my first I knew I would use one and am making the same decision you are with number 2! I bf and ff when I was lazy or wanted someone else to feed my baby, I never co slept, thankfully I had a crib before she was born, and I decided to cloth diaper once my baby was 18 months lol. I also don't understand the constant debate and kudos to you and EVERY other mom who is doing what they can do feed, clothe and love her baby/babies!

Sandy S. on July 11, 2010 at 9:37 AM said...

That you for writing this! I find the same thing...I found one blog that pissed me off so much that I stopped reading it. I'm sorry, but when someone says "when I see a child that is formula fed I feel so sorry for them that their parents don't care" I see red. Like you said, my child, my choice.

Ashley on July 11, 2010 at 10:32 AM said...

Well I do agree with you but I dont agree with how you worded everything. You make cloth diapers sound like death....It hurt my feelings to read that....But I do agree with your arguement..WHAT IS THE POINT IN FIGHTING? aslong as we arent doing drugs infront our kids or running off to clubs everynight, then there is noooo need for someone to tell us how to mother.

Ashley on July 11, 2010 at 10:37 AM said...

Also, I just wanted to state that I wish I looked into the pros and cons of the epidural. No one told me anything! Now I have a damaged nerve and severe back pain at 17 years old. Sucks. I agree that its the mothers choice but I agree she should be educated. I understand what your saying though, on twitter I see alot of OMG YOUR GETTING AN EPIDURAL!! OH NO!! they should just make sure they are educated...alot of those twitter moms are natural birth advocates so its their "job" to make sure everyone knows the facts, just as intact-avists make sure everyone knows info about circumcision.

Bridget Daffinrud-James on July 11, 2010 at 11:22 AM said...

Although I believe in doing things different with my child/future children than you do with yours, I LOVE your post! I'm so sick of hearing the debates go on and on. Lately, my other Mom/friends have been debating stay at home vs. daycare. All that comes out of those debates is more anger! So over it! What we really need as mothers is not having our differences pointed out but support from one another.

Mommy in Charge on July 11, 2010 at 2:00 PM said...

WOW- I stand by all your decisions! I was the same way with my daughter! I got so much crap for not wanting to breastfeed, and finally I lost it and told so many people off! I LOVE how you posted this!

Christa on July 11, 2010 at 2:14 PM said...

I'd have to say that I agree with Ashley. While I agree with what you have to say I don't agree with how you worded it. There is not point to arguing and as long as your baby is happy healthy and nurtured their shouldn't be a fight!

i.e. "Personally I think you're crazy if you co sleep but would I say that? NO..." You did say it. And I'm not crazy. Just like you're not crazy for NOT co-sleeping. That statement right there made you no better than the mothers you're talking about who make you feel like crap for not co-sleeping.

I cloth diaper, co-sleep and breastfeed and I had a medicated birth {although I did try to hold out as long as possible like you plan to do with K} although most people IRL are surprised about at least 1 of those things I don't push my opinions on other people.

I've seen the people on twitter you are talking about and I agree with you however maybe next time when you're making this point you should try not to sound as judgmental as they are.

Hope everything is going well with you and K I know you were having contractions and dilating a couple of weeks ago so I hope that's slowed down some!

Homemade Mom on July 11, 2010 at 3:25 PM said...

Great post! I had a natural birth with my first, but not by choice. My labor progressed too quickly for me to get anything. I had an epidural with my last 2 deliveries. My hubby convinced me. He said if I have the opportunity to enjoy labor and be present in the moment with the help if modern medicine, then why not? I'm very happy with my choice!

SweetOnYou on July 11, 2010 at 4:27 PM said...

In my loving opinion, when you are confident and 100% secure in your decisions-nothing rattles your cage. No one can upset you without your permission. There is no debate, no argument, etc if you stand firm in your choices for yourself/your family. It does not bother me one bit if someone does not agree with me or doesnt agree with someone else or shares their opposite of opinion with me. It is what it is, we are not going to change one another. We can change ourselves, our hearts, our attitudes, our feelings and thoughts. We all should be more mature, wise, sympathetic and willing to listen to one another in a kind manner..too many are stubborn and quick to be so defensive.

gfmommy.com on July 11, 2010 at 6:54 PM said...

I completely agree with you! I don't understand the arguing! I breast feed but that is what works for me and my children. I have natural labors but that is because I hate the idea of a needle in my back and my labors are fast. I don't think every woman needs to breastfeed because I do. It just doesn't work for all and if I had slow labors I would probably give in and have an epi.

Crazy Caine Family! on July 13, 2010 at 4:09 PM said...

I am a first time reader of your blog and was glad to see your candidness about mommy arguing! There are so many choices and decisions that we have to make as Mommy's and so many reasons behind the final decisions we make! Arguing about our choices should be the least of our worries as mommy's! We have children to raise in a crazy world and us mommy's should stick together and support each other in all of the craziness we will experience! Kudos to you! ;-)

mrsweiss on April 29, 2011 at 9:55 PM said...

i think each person needs to do thier own thing, i breastfeed, cosleep cloth diaper and i love it, did i think i would be like this before i got preggo NOO lol but i love my parenting style and no one can change it.

BUT i do have to say that i know some people who werent suscessful with breastfeeding and had to ff i understand that some people have latch issues or pain or whatever it may be, but if someone is deciding before baby is even born they they will not breastfeed knowing its best for baby i dont like that.

Jessica on August 11, 2011 at 9:04 PM said...

I agree with your main sentiment here, but like others are saying, you worded it offensively which kind of defeated the purpose a little. I don't know, this post seems like one that would spark a debate, not break one up.

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