Friday, August 6, 2010

Hard Times of Post-Partum

By Jennifer (Double Duty Mommy) at 1:45 PM
Back in 2004 I KNOW I had PPD (post-partum depression) after I had Makenna. I was never diagnosed because I never told my doctor what I was going through. I just figured I was acting the way I was acting because I was a 19 year old young single new mom. I didn't want to believe I had PPD. Who wants to admit that? Not me.
I eventually got through it but thankfully I was living with my parents at the time so I know they were a huge help.

During this pregnancy John & I talked about the possibilty of me getting PPD again but we figured it wouldn't probably happen since I'm not single, I have him. How freakin' nieve were we! Lol. The first week of Kendall being home I was perfectly fine but come week 2 everything set in and I was falling apart. Thank God I haven't had thoughts of hurting Kendall or myself or anything like that but I have had a serious attitude. I've been taking a lot out on Makenna and although in the moment I don't think about it, afterward I feel really bad. I've been crying 24/7 and at times I do have to put Kendall down and just walk away while she cries.

Yes, John is there but last week he pretty much had all opening shifts so I was up with Kendall pretty much every night, & then having to get up in the morning to instantly pump, change Kendall, feed Kendall, feed Makenna then try to get something for myself to eat... all on 0 sleep. It really took a toll on me and then I began to take it out on John by the end of the week.

I've lost interest in pretty much everything. I'm barely online anymore so no Twitter and no blogging. I have so many reviews/giveaways that I'm behind on. Now it's even gone as far as not even caring about pumping :( Yesterday I pumped at 9am and then by 10pm I realized I didn't pump all day since the am! I still got 8oz per side (& I have a huge stash in the fridge & freezer) but still, I should be at least pumping but nope, I just forget to do anything. The house has pretty much fallen apart expect for what John can do when he gets home from work.

I just don't know.

I saw my doctor earlier this week and she put me on Zoloft. She started me on only 50mg which I heard is really low.
It's been 3 days now and so far I do think it's helped a little. I know it doesn't INSTANTLY fix anything but I'm feeling a little better. I've been able to deal with Makenna a lot better. I've been yelling less and when Kendall cries, although it still gets to me, I've been able to deal a little better.

I hate medicine, seriously HATE it. I couldn't even take my prenatals my whole pregnancy because I hate swollowing pills but also, I just forget to take things. Also, I just don't want to become addicted to a medicine like Zoloft. I don't have an addicting personality at all so I think I'll be fine but at this point I don't know what else to do. I want to be there for my girls, I want to be a happy mommy and a good wife and I dont think I can do that without help right now.

At this point I'm just hoping with the help of the Zoloft I can get better fast and then be able to get off the meds and do it on my own.

7 commented:

Misty on August 6, 2010 at 2:13 PM said...

Hey. I can totaly relate. I had my daughter in 2004 and also had PPD. And ever since then I have been on antidepressants. switched between a few and have been on Effexo for about 3 years. Im now trying to go off it wich is really really hard. The withdrawls are absolutly horrible. but im down from 150mg to 75mg and taking it ever 4 days. But I just wanted to tell you that comeing off the med is gonna be hard.
Take care.

simplymerry on August 6, 2010 at 3:47 PM said...

The important thing is to take care of yourself and take care of your girls. The house can go to %#!*. Glad you can acknowledge it and do what you need to help yourself.

And remember to keep taking time for yourself - take a bubble bath. Get a babysitter and go to a coffee shop, or mall shopping. Get out into the air. Take care. :)

ruthhill74 on August 6, 2010 at 4:42 PM said...

I am so sorry that things have been rough for you. I didn't have any of those issues, but my ex is mentally ill, and I didn't know it until after the birth of our child. She was what kind of sent him over the edge. Thankfully nothing happened to either one of us, and I was able to get out. It sounds like you are at least taking necessary steps to work through this. And you will get through it! Don't worry about your giveaways or anything else. Take care of yourself and your children. Take care. I'll be praying.

MommyKnowsMess on August 6, 2010 at 5:15 PM said...

I've missed you on Twitter but it's for good reason. Take care of you !! You've got a beautiful family and you can get through this !! I hope you become less moody (hope the doctors can help) and I'll be praying for you !! Lots of love and wishes
From Heather

Shannon on August 6, 2010 at 6:12 PM said...

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I think so many people suffer from depression but have a hard time admitting it to themselves but even a harder time admitting it to others. It take a lot of courage.

I just had a baby almost two weeks ago myself and luckily I haven't had PPD, BUT when I was going through my divorce I definitely had depression. And I was a lot like you. I hate taking medication and I didn't want to be "addicted" to anything. And I felt like I should be able to "get a grip". But when my depression was effecting my new (and wonderful) relationship, I realized it was beyond what I could achieve on my own. So I went on meds too. And it was the best decision I made. I didn't notice a huge change at first...but every day was just a little better than the next until one day I could look back and see how far I came. I was on a low dosage as well and didn't have any withdrawal issues. One day I just felt like I could make it on my own again and went off them.

Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best. You are not alone. Take care.

Double Duty Mommy on August 6, 2010 at 8:42 PM said...

thanks for all the support everyone!

Rachel on August 14, 2010 at 11:33 PM said...

I feel your pain. Try to take care of yourself, rely on your support system and know that it will get better!

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