I sit at home doing the same monotonous things on a daily basis: Walk Makenna to the bus stop, make the beds, take the dog out, feed Kendall, put on Beauty & The Beast. While Kendall is now occupied with her favorite movie I do the dishes, vacuum, sweep, steam mop what seems like the entire house, clean the bathrooms (yes, on a daily basis!), pick up toys, do laundry, etc.
I don't even feel like I'm living a life anymore. I feel like I'm just going through life according to a planned schedule. Nothing ever really changes from day to day for me. I can't even tell you the last time I actually did my hair and makeup. Maybe... a month ago and I wasn't even going anywhere.. I just wanted to feel pretty for a day. I was looking at *old* (and by that I mean... 3-4 years ago maybe) pictures of myself and I cannot believe that I did my hair and makeup everyday. I sometimes wonder what my husband thinks of me. When he met me I wore makeup, I did my hair... not every day but sometimes. Now? Nothing.
I often wondering if he is actually attracted to me anymore. If he thinks, "Where did my hot wife go?!". I for 1 know I think those things, so he must.
Sureee on his days off, John will help take some of that load off but even then it doesn't really feel like it at the end of the day. On my husband's days off, he likes to hang out, play Xbox. Like I said, he does pick up some of my slack but if he changes 2 diapers it then becomes, "I changed the last one, it's your turn honey" to which I respond with, "Oh really? Well how about the 15 diapers I changed yesterday! Are you going to make up for those!?" I end up winning but I just wish stupid things like that wouldn't happen.
From those little things though, I begin to hate everything. I begin to think that my husband doesn't even care about me or my feelings at all.
I mean sure, my husband works his ASS off all the time for us and I am blessed with being able to stay home for a year now but I really wish he'd help out more. His days off from work should be my days off from... life. I don't want to change Kendall, I don't want to have to hold her all day, give her a bath at night or anything. I just want to bask in her cute baby self... when she's not crying! When Makenna gets home from school I just want to be able to play with her instead of telling her I can't because Sister needs me.
Some days I seriously think I have beaten PPD. I get so high on the happiness of that day that I literally do not take my medicine at night. Why? Well, in a word, I guess I'm just crazy. I begin to think, "this day was perfect. I didn't yell, I had fun, I was laughing, playing. I'm not depressed!" The next day... ha, I'm a complete bitch again. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. Nothing goes right what so ever.
At the end of the day what do I honestly have to be sad about though? Honestly? I live in a nice house, I have a wonderful family, a great husband and 2 wonderful kids whom I love dearly.
I mean seriously, how could you not smile when you have this to look at....
and lets not forget this...
But that's when I know I haven't beaten this monster. When I can be sad when I have 2 amazing, gorgeous girls, there has to be something wrong with me.
So my days of the 'do this, do that' mommy will continue but I suppose I need to stick to Zoloft and hope for the best.
I hate "about me" sections. Who can honestly break down who they really are in 1 or two sentences.
I'm a junk food lover who is trying to say "no", I love to sing and dance. I am pretty shy and not really the talker of the group. I have two amazing daughters who I cannot get enough of... but I love "mommy time" alone. I'm now a stay-at-home-mom trying my best not to go crazy.
4 commented:
Oh, I feel so much for you right now. I've gone through the same thing, twice. Drugs were my best friend, though, I wasn't very excited about it. If it's not getting better you should talk to your doctor about your dosage. Have you looked into any support groups? With my first kid I only got through it because my friend had it to and we talked together and that was a life saver.
I feel for you. I know EXACTLY how you feel and it is nice to know I am not the only one in this world having these feelings at times!
I hate reading things like this... I just want to run over and hug you. Why? Because I just read something I could of wrote myself. I too take zoloft on a daily basis and have had my dosage increased numerous times. One thing I have come to grips with though. If taking one little pill a day makes me be a better mommy and wife then it is totally worth it. Just know that you are not the only one out there battling this and there are lots of people (myself included) that would love to chat with you and talk through the craziness that those not going through it don't seem to understand.
I just started following you... come check me out at www.happeningsoftheharperhousehold.blogspot.com
Big hugs. I have just started being a stay at home Mom...I worked for a year after I had my son while my DH stayed home. Now my husbands out working and I am home all day. I am so stressed out all the time trying to find time to play with my one year old...keeping the house clean...running errands while it's FREAKING SNOWING! What would normally be a 30 minute shopping trip turns into a 3 hour excursion....I'm hoping my son learns to be a little more independent, it seems like I can't leave him for more than two minutes in his playpen without him screaming bloody murder. It's a learning process....You're not the only one that feels like this!!!!
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