Body Issues

You don't really hear me complaining about my body often but right now I just feel like talking about how I really do hate my body.
If you look at it in a big picture then it doens't seem like I have much to complain about.

Before I got pregnant with Makenna I was an 18 year old 5'4" 102 pound girl. While pregnant with Makenna I only gained about 10 pounds and I INSTANTLY lost it all about 2 hours after I gave birth. When I left the hospital I was down to 100 pounds, no joke!

When I got pregnant with Kendall I was 112 pounds, wearing my size 14 and 16 abercrombie KIDS jeans. I got up to a whopping 150! About a week-2 weeks later I lost about 30 pounds of it. By now, 15 weeks later, I am down to about 115 wearing my size 0 Abercrombie & Fitch jeans. Awesome right? So what the hell am I complaining about?!?

Well look at the images below. Excuse my poor free hand paint job. I'm not good at the free hand stuff, lol :)

Before Kids / After Makenna / After Kendall (current day)

  (btw, apparently I didn't have a belly button before I had kids. lol.

Please excuse my lack of belly button on the 1st picture)

Notice what I do?! In 2003 I was a twig, honestly, I know I was. I didnt know how good of a body I had because of course I was an insecure teenager around that time. I had full PERKY B cups yet I "hated my boobs".

cut to November 2004 my body was not as tight anymore and I now had a full D cup! After my milk ran out I had a saggy full D cup with stretch marks all over them! I got stretch marks on my stomach, sides, inside of my legs and the back of my knees. Who even knew you could get stretch marks on the back of your knees?! Well this girl did!

But whatever, I learned to love my body since the stretch marks pretty much faded down to nothingness and I would always keep a bra on when I'd have sex (lol). Yeah, I never fell in love with the look of my boobs after that.

Current day... I am now a full F cup! They hang even lower then they did before and have even more/darker stretch marks on them. The stretch marks in between my legs are even darker, & now I really hate my stomach since the marks are daker on them too. Plus, that stupid line going down the middle of your stomach.. yeah, that's STILL there!! WTF! I didnt even get that line when I was pregnant with Makenna and now It wont even go away.

I hate getting undressed in front of John because contrary to what he says I feel like I have the ugliest body ever!

Sure, I lost the weight but damnit now I want every kind of surgery to make my body tight and stretchmark-less again. Plus, I want a boob lift & reduction because they are too low and too huge!

Hell, I had to take 90% of my shirt/top wordrob to Plato's Closet because my boobs don't fit into them anymore.

I know I can work out and do all that kind of stuff but I highly doubt it'll give me my old body back. A body, I could not actually appreciate since I never did back then. And I just want to feel comfortable with my boobs. 100%.

I keep trying to be positive and be accepting of my new baby given body look... but it's just not working. I try to listen to my hubby when he compliments me but again, I just shrug them off and think "he's just saying that. He thinks my body is ugly now. That's what he REALLY wants to say."

I don't know how to get out of this frame of mind.
Does anyone else feel the same way I do? Did you overcome your body image issues? 'Cause I'd love to hear HOW you did it!???

Hard Times of Post-Partum

Back in 2004 I KNOW I had PPD (post-partum depression) after I had Makenna. I was never diagnosed because I never told my doctor what I was going through. I just figured I was acting the way I was acting because I was a 19 year old young single new mom. I didn't want to believe I had PPD. Who wants to admit that? Not me.
I eventually got through it but thankfully I was living with my parents at the time so I know they were a huge help.

During this pregnancy John & I talked about the possibilty of me getting PPD again but we figured it wouldn't probably happen since I'm not single, I have him. How freakin' nieve were we! Lol. The first week of Kendall being home I was perfectly fine but come week 2 everything set in and I was falling apart. Thank God I haven't had thoughts of hurting Kendall or myself or anything like that but I have had a serious attitude. I've been taking a lot out on Makenna and although in the moment I don't think about it, afterward I feel really bad. I've been crying 24/7 and at times I do have to put Kendall down and just walk away while she cries.

Yes, John is there but last week he pretty much had all opening shifts so I was up with Kendall pretty much every night, & then having to get up in the morning to instantly pump, change Kendall, feed Kendall, feed Makenna then try to get something for myself to eat... all on 0 sleep. It really took a toll on me and then I began to take it out on John by the end of the week.

I've lost interest in pretty much everything. I'm barely online anymore so no Twitter and no blogging. I have so many reviews/giveaways that I'm behind on. Now it's even gone as far as not even caring about pumping :( Yesterday I pumped at 9am and then by 10pm I realized I didn't pump all day since the am! I still got 8oz per side (& I have a huge stash in the fridge & freezer) but still, I should be at least pumping but nope, I just forget to do anything. The house has pretty much fallen apart expect for what John can do when he gets home from work.

I just don't know.

I saw my doctor earlier this week and she put me on Zoloft. She started me on only 50mg which I heard is really low.
It's been 3 days now and so far I do think it's helped a little. I know it doesn't INSTANTLY fix anything but I'm feeling a little better. I've been able to deal with Makenna a lot better. I've been yelling less and when Kendall cries, although it still gets to me, I've been able to deal a little better.

I hate medicine, seriously HATE it. I couldn't even take my prenatals my whole pregnancy because I hate swollowing pills but also, I just forget to take things. Also, I just don't want to become addicted to a medicine like Zoloft. I don't have an addicting personality at all so I think I'll be fine but at this point I don't know what else to do. I want to be there for my girls, I want to be a happy mommy and a good wife and I dont think I can do that without help right now.

At this point I'm just hoping with the help of the Zoloft I can get better fast and then be able to get off the meds and do it on my own.

The world of arguing moms. Why do we do it???

This is something that has been bothering me for a... a long while now. I'm sure you can go to someone's blog RIGHT NOW or read someone's twitter timeline and see something about what they think is best for baby and it somehow always sparks arguments.
I even, have received criticism on my different decisions. People thinking they know my life, my past life decisions with my 1st daughter and what they think I'll do with Baby K.
Why can't we all just get along and support moms and dads to do what's best for their family and just take care of their kids the way they want to?

Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding?
Yes, there are many proven benefits to breastfeeding, but there are many reasons why breastfeeding may not work for someone. It isn't a LAW that a women has to breastfeed so why does another mother feel the need to open her mouth and talk badly about a mom if she CHOOSES not to breastfeed? Isn't it her choice? Just because yes, her breasts were made for feeding a child doesn't mean she HAS to, does it? I don't think so. I think she, and her boyfriend/husband, have the right to do whatever works best for them. If someone wants to feed their baby formula then go right ahead, it's your life! FF your baby up, who am I to judge?! Or BF! But I'm sorry just because you BF does NOT make you a better mother then the mother that has made the choice to FF.
With my first daughter we tried to latch for days without any success because I have inverted/flat nipples. I pumped for as long as I could, which ended up being only 4-5months and even near the end I had to supplement with formula. Did I think I was a horrible mother and killing my daughter by giving her formula..? Ummm no, not at all. I knew I was doing all I could for Makenna and if I wasn't producing the milk, then I wasn't producing the milk, end of story. We got a good solid 4 months of breastfeeding (yes I still consider myself a breastfeeding mom even though I pumped!) in and I'm proud of that 100%. I am whole heartedly going to give breastfeeding another shot with Baby K. I'm hoping she can latch but if not I have my new Simplisse pump (Giveaway prize from BabyDickey.com!) that I am excited to use regardless. John of course wants to feed his daughter and although my breast were made for feeding our daughter I am still going to pump because I want to give my husband the joy of feeding his daughter as well. I personally think it sounds so selfish when moms brag about being the only one who can feed their child.
Bottom line: I'm in favor of feeding your babies.

Crib vs. Co-sleeping?
I pretty much was forced to co-sleep with my 1st. I didn't get a crib until she was about 4months old.
I hated having to share a bed with her. I was scared every single night because I know I move around a lot and I was so afraid of rolling over on her. Another worry, She started rolling EXTREMELY early so it & I didn't want her to roll over and fall on the floor.
Did I ever squish her, nope, but she did roll off the bed a couple times and it broke my heart and I cried many times.
Once I got a crib the transition was very easy for us, she never had a problem sleeping in her own crib and I of course slept a lot better knowing she was safe. The crib was in my room so night feedings were still pretty easy in a sense... although I'm sure I don't remember getting outta bed to feed her most of the time, lol.
Some babies sleep better in their own bed, other babies sleep better with mom right next to them to cuddle or comfort, or nurse as needed through-out the night.
Some moms sleep better knowing baby is right next to them for whatever reason, just for comfort or for easy nursing in the middle of the night, or you might just feel better knowing your baby is in the same room as you.
Seriously though, as long as you are being safe about your decision, I think the only thing that is really important is creating a space where everyone can sleep soundly.
Why are you better then me because you co-sleep? I personally think your crazy for co-sleeping but would I ever say that to your face or start a discussion on it? No, 'cause it's not my business! I'm glad it works for you but it does not work for me and John does not want us to do it either.
Bottom line: I'm for everyone getting as much sleep as they can.

Disposable vs. Cloth Diapers?

Personally, I think cloth diapers are disgusting and I would never EVER try it. The thought of it grosses me and John out to death. Is that a reason to crucify me? Uh, I don't think so.
-Disposable diapers are convenient and easy to use. They are also very expensive & of course, one of the most frequently seen items in landfills. They've also come a long way though and are more biodegradable then what they used to be.
-Cloth diapers are cheaper in the long run, environmentally friendly & I guess they can be cute... although I think the "fluffy butt" thing is NOT cute. It's too bulky looking for me... again, that's MY OPINION. Cloth Diapers are also messier, stinkier & have to be washed, and there is even special soap that you should buy and the soaking, etc.
Of course there are pros & cons to both. But is it really worth an argument? Again, who I am to say which pros are better or which cons are worse. We all have our own families and we should have the right to diaper our kids the way we want without hearing how horrible it is that we fill up the landfills, or waste money on special soap or spend $25 on ONE diaper.
Bottom line: I'm in favor of doing what works for your family!

Natural birth vs. Medicated birth?
Look at it anyway you want but whatever way you wanna spin it, labor and delivery is extremely hard!
Women, like me, think the benefits of being comfortable with an epidural far outweigh any part of an unmedicated birth. Other women, think natural labor is a much better option because the experience, the benefits of it all and they think it's the safer way to go.
The thing is, with all the hormones we are experiencing, and the extreme pain - I think it's extremely important that we support mothers no matter what method they use. We should help women feel comfortable, empowered and confident in something that I feel is one of the most difficult thing we do as women. Who are you to argue with another mom (or mom-to-be) about her decisions or what she is going to do in the near future.
I think you shoving your opinions about the situation in her face pretty much means you think that you know better what is best for her and her body. If I see another tweet about someone defending natural birth when someone else says they think they are going to get an epidural, I am going to have to open my mouth tell say, "shut the hell up!". I don't think anyone has the right to try to convince someone else what they should do in that most intimate time. I'm not saying don't give advice or ask the mom-to-be if she has looked into the "cons" of an epidural but then drop it after she says she has and still wants an epidural.
With my first daughter I INSTANTLY knew I was going to get an epidural the second I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't even thinking about labor without medication. Am I a bad mom? Um no. Am I a weak mom/women? Hell no! I did what was best for me.
This pregnancy... I want to TRY to go as long as I can without meds but I will be asking for an epidural the second I can't stand it anymore and I will not think twice about it and John doesn't give a crap either way. He has voiced many times that he just wants me to be happy and comfortable. My labor and delivery should be about me being comfortable and enjoying the fact that my baby daughter is about to come into this crazy world, so if an epidural helps me then I will do it since it's MY choice.
Bottom line: I'm in favor of mom's comfort in labor.

So, seriously, why do we always have to have arguments? Does it make you feel better for telling me that I should try cloth diapers since the Huggies I choose to use are killing the earth? I'm sorry but there are much bigger things going on in the world and much bigger things killing this earth then my daughter's Huggies.
I sincerely believe that we as moms should be encouraging one another, we should be helping each other, defending each other, not attacking one another for the choices we are making. I believe if you choose a method that I don't agree with because it's better for you, your baby and family then go for it. It's the right we have as moms - to choose. Who am I to say that my methods are better for you, and visa-versa.

I'm not trying to sound judgmental or anything because like I said, I don't care how you parent, if you cloth diaper, if you co-sleep, if you have a natural birth, etc. I just wanted to state my opinion on the key situations as well. If other people can do it in [what I think is] a hurtful manner then I can voice my opinions in my post because I'm not directly attacking anyone.
I'm just saying what I do and do not do when it comes to parenting my kid(s).

31 weeks

Okay I am officially hating pregnancy now! Am I allowed to say that? I literally have not had a full night of sleep in over a week. For starters it takes me about 2 hours just to fall asleep THEN I'm up every single hour tossing & turning. I'm so uncomfortable even when I'm awake. I have to lay down, sit up, lay on my left side, switch to laying on my right side... every couple minutes! The stupid Florida heat and humidity are not helping one single bit either. Ew, it's just nasty and I hate being pregnant during the summer!

With Makenna I didn't have any back pain, Braxton Hick's, or the amount of heavy/uncomfortableness I have with this pregnancy. This might as well be my first pregnancy with all the new things this little girl is already bringing to the table. lol.
So needless to say I have had constant back pain for months now. Braxton Hicks started about a week or so ago. Oh joy, how those are just sooo special. Some said they didn't feel pain but I do. They come & go for sometimes a hour, then go away for a few hours then come back... repeat this process! :) It's just awesome <--- sarcasm!

So week 31 (as of Tuesday)!!! OFFICIALLY 8 months preggo. What is going on?? Well....
Kendall is about 4 pounds right now. If she's anything like her daddy she probably weighs more then that though. She is about 17inches long... although I think she's longer because it feels like she's trying to kick every single organ out of my body! lol. From now until about 2wks before my EDD she should gain about half a pound each week! 'Cause we all know I just want to carry about MORE weight, so I'm just sooo excited about this fact!!! :)

If wives tales mean anything then Kendall will have TONS of hair because the amount of acid reflux/heart burn I have is unbelievable (another thing I didn't have with Makenna)! I cannot get through 1 second of the day without my throat feeling like it's on fire. THANKFULLY my doctor said I can take extra-strength Zantac which has almost saved my life but sometimes that doesn't even help.

What's even more weird is I had a dream a couple nights ago that I had Kendall 3 weeks early. Maybe it's because I am miserable & do want her out early? Who knows, but now I'm freaked out and always thinking, "holy crap... am I in labor?", "what if I go into labor today?!".
I know it's not that realistic but dreams freak me out sometimes.

I've been getting pampered lately which is wonderful! Last week I got a pedicure and today I got a manicure (pink & whites!) and a massage!! It was awesome but now I feel teased and want more pampering! John says more is in store so I guess I have nothing to worry about. I'm hoping a nice facial, nice prenatal massage, maybe another pedicure in a couple weeks, etc! 'Cause hey, I deserve it!

Dedication

So right now, yes, at 1:33am, I have so much motivation to talk about my hubby, John.
Is he perfect? No. Not really. But I can say that even though he is the WORST person to be on time and he forgets things way too often, I love him sooo much.

He is amazing, loving, smart, funny, sexy as hell, sweet, strong, sympathetic, vulnerable, cuddly, caring, crazy, down to earth, he always smells sooooo damn good, he's the greatest father to Makenna & already to Kendall,... yes I could go on and on.

John makes me feel special. He gives me roses and flowers for no reason what so ever. He holds me from behind and gives soft kisses on my neck, he makes me laugh so much.

He can piss me off so bad when he's late or forgets an appointment but at the end of the day does that stuff really matter? Nope, not at all. He's my perfect man and I love him so much. He makes me smile when I'm in a horrible mood. He gives the best hugs. I love our alone time and how open we can talk to each other.

No matter what he ALWAYS supports me and lets me make the choices I want. He constantly tries to give me everything I want & need to make me the happiest woman in the world.

What other daddy runs around a grocery store or in the mall tickling, chasing his daughter, picking her up and laughing so loud with her? I get so embarrassed how loud they become but then it makes me smile so big to see the love Makenna and John have between them.

Since I've been pregnant it's actually like I've passes along my memory to him because I am 24/7 forgetting the smallest thing while he remembers EVERYTHING now. lol.
He loves feeling Kendall move and he talks to her all the time. He find the cutest outfits for her and talks about how much of a Daddy's Girl [he thinks, lol] she's going to be. (<-- I will have a say in that though, lol).
I cannot wait to meet our little girl in 2 1/2 short months and see how gorgeous she is and what she got from her daddy. She will grow up to be the most loved little girl with the funnest daddy.

John, my husband, my best friend... he means so much to me. I love him with all my heart and can never image a life without him.
I love you honey bear. 

10 Honest Things About You

HONESTY
self explanatory. Just write 10 things about yourself and be honest.


1. I very much so miss my teenage years. I always tend to think back to specific times and I actually get sad over not living that way anymore, or being able to do certain things.

2. I'm extremely emotional in every way. I can cry over almost anything, I get upset at almost anything, I get annoyed with most anything. I don't necessarily like that about myself so I'm trying to adjust some of my tendencies.


3. I absolutely love being pregnant in every way. Knowing what will come in those short 9 mths, seeing my belly getting bigger (sometimes by the day), hearing the heartbeat for the 1st time... and each time after, feeling every little movement as small as some can be, and finally seeing the baby on the ultrasound. I do hate the crazy hormones, morning sickness, boobs and other bodily changes that are sometimes just scary, though.

4. I feel really overwhelmed most of the time. I do get lost of help from John but I feel like my plate is never emptied, it's always full.

5. I love to cook! 100% adore it. For the longest time I looked into going to a Culinary School but then figured out I didn't really want to cook as a career but more so just as a passion. There are more Food Network shows set to the DVR then any other channel. I'm always learning, always trying new things and always having fun while I cook.

6. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really have a career goal in mind. I suppose I'm just one of those people. I just want to make sure I'm a great wife & mother and have a little side job on the side just for my own sanity.

7. I've tried about for American Idol. Yep, in 2008, but because that show is RIGGED beyond any words of explanation I didn't get through. I don't think American knows how horrible the initial (not the singing in front of the judges round) audition round is. It really opened my eyes and now I look at American Idol in a whole different light because I went through that experience.

8. Being a mom has changed so many things about myself. It has taught me a little more self control, I have gained more patience (even though yes, I still lose it sometimes), it has taught me what true love really is. Being a mom has brought me so much joy that I really don't think anything else in this entire world can top it.

9. I love McDonald's. I'm sorry but I do. Regardless of the health issues it can bring. Their BBQ Chipotle wrap and fries are almost my favorite thing to eat along with their Sweet Tea.

10. One of the hardest things for me during this pregnancy was to give up Pepsi. But I'm glad to say that I havn't had any soda in 15 weeks (the first few weeks I did still drink it sometimes.) and actually.... I'm ok with it now and don't crave it anymore. Plus, I drink more water now then I ever have in my life so it's a good thing.